TOW the Peacock
by SqutternutBosh
Summary: During series one, Phoebe mentioned that Chandler was once bitten by a peacock at the zoo. This is my take on the scene, as Chandler is having a one to one chat with Ross, he makes a new enemy. New Chapter! Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel discuss their lives
1. In Which Chandler Is Attacked

Ross sighed deeply as he collapsed onto the mahogany park bench. He rubbed a hand over his face and slouched against the hard wood. He let his brown eyes roam over the scenes before him, just for something to do… for a distraction.

Of all the people bustling past, of all the proud peacocks strolling around, his eyes fell upon one person in particular- a small, blond boy, innocently licking a strawberry ice cream so that it splashed all over his chin. He didn't pause to wipe it away, just continued to slurp it up happily. Standing at his side was his rather distracted mother, searching in her handbag for something. After a few seconds of rummaging, she looked up, appeared to see something in the distance and closed her handbag. A tall man approached the pair with a handful of serviettes. He crouched down and began wiping his son's (as Ross assumed this man was his father) face. The little boy protested slightly before consenting to being cleaned. His father stood up and ruffled the boy's hair as he continued eating the ice cream.

'He's just going to get messy again…' Ross heard the mother's voice faintly carry across to his ears.

Ross felt the bench creak slightly as someone sat by his side.

'Well, as long as you're having a good time,' he heard Chandler mutter sarcastically. Ross turned to face him. 'We were all dragged out here for you, you know,' Chandler continued. Ross nodded his head once.

'I know… I just… Why the zoo?'

'We know how much you like monkeys,' Chandler answered. Ross raised his eyebrows and Chandler shrugged. 'Okay, so Monica made us. I think she's running out of ideas.'

'I know she's just trying to be nice, but… I don't need cheering up!' Ross said. 'I'm perfectly happy wallowing in my own misery while my pregnant lesbian ex-wife is off with her lover.'

Chandler looked at Ross as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

'Okay, I'm not fine. I'll get over it- really,' Ross added.

'Whatever you say, man,' Chandler settled back onto the bench, arms behind his head, letting the sun wash over his face. He closed his eyes.

'Where is everybody else?' Ross asked. Chandler cracked open one eye.

'Joey's in the adventure playground terrifying small children in his attempts to climb the fireman's pole, Phoebe's trying to get over her phobia of snakes by hanging in the reptile house and Monica and Rachel were talking to some zoo keeper guy. I think Rachel's trying to get his number.' Chandler noticed Ross scowl. 'If it's any consolation, I think the guy was more interested in baboons than Rachel.'

'Why would that be consolation?' Ross said defensively, spitting slightly as he spoke. 'I mean, I don't need consolation. Rachel's free to go out with any guy she likes.'

'You just wish it was you,' Chandler pointed out.

'Yeah,' Ross sighed, admitting defeat as he did so. Chandler sat up straight again.

'Just get over yourself and ask her. Or somebody else- anything to help you get over Carol and stop moping about.'

'I _am_ over Carol,' Ross insisted. Chandler laughed dryly.

'Sure- that blonde there who does she remind you of?'

Ross tilted his head a bit to look at the back of the woman Chandler had pointed at. She was standing in front of a cage containing some colourful and chirpy parrots.

'Your mom,' he said, despite remembering a certain lesbian with a similar figure and hair. Nora Bing was the only other blond he could think of.

'Yeah, I kind of see where you're coming from…' Chandler said. 'But, I'd also rather you didn't think of my mom in that way. I also think that's not who you really thought of.'

'What's your point?'

'What's my point?' Chandler asked, standing up in desperation to prove his point. He wanted the old Ross back, the one he occasionally caught glimpses of on a good day- until he picked up a can of Carol's favourite beer, or saw Rachel being overly friendly to another guy. 'My point is, Ross, that you'll never know what could happen until you do something to make it happen! Okay, so what I just said was confusing but it made sense in my head…' He finished on a quieter note, trailing off.

He had waved his arms around as he spoke, attracting the attention of passers-by. He sat down again, facing sideways to see Ross as he continued, in a softer tone. 'Carol's gone. You know that, you just have to accept it. But, Rachel's here, right where you are. In the words of Joey- and some of the wisest he has ever spoken- grab a spoon!'

'I did grab a spoon!' Ross protested.

'Yeah, what was it you said again? Oh yeah, "Would it be alright if I asked you out sometime?" Something like that, right?'

'I had good intentions!' Ross continued to protest. 'I just… didn't know how to follow them through,' he finished weakly.

Chandler put his head in his hands. 'You think _I_ know how to follow through? Do you think many guys do?'

'I know you don't,' Ross jabbed. Chandler looked up at him.

'Fair point.'

'I want to try with Rachel- or anyone- I really do. It's just… I can't face getting hurt like I did with Carol. Seven years we were together… that was just the pain building up. I just didn't know it was there until she told me that she didn't love me anymore.'

Chandler was now looking at Ross with a mix of pity and awkwardness on his face. The feelings Ross was telling him about were pretty deep.

'At least you had her for those seven years. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?'

'Not if it hurts this much.'

'Look at it this way- you loved and lost, like loads of other people. That leaves you right where you are now. Then, there's me. I've never loved anyone and I'm sure no one has ever loved me. Who would you rather be, huh? You or me?'

'Well, when you put it that way,' Ross said, with a faint smile. 'But-,'

'You're still not getting it!' Chandler exploded, returning to his standing position. Trying to get through to Ross was like trying to break a brick with an egg. And Chandler had thought that he'd been close. 'It's like…' He grasped vainly at any stream of thought that could make a point to Ross. A point that he'd understand. 'See this peacock,' he said, gesturing at a curious peacock who had wandered close to their bench. It was about two metres away from them, tail feathers opened out like a magnificent emerald fan. 'He's proud; he stands out from the rest of the birds, like he knows what he's doing. Then there's the-,'

But Ross never quite knew what bird Chandler was going to compare next in his bizarre take on life, for at that moment, as Chandler gestured wildly with his arm, he caught the glittering peacock on the head with the back of his hand. The peacock was not best pleased. It squawked loudly and launched itself at Chandler, pecking his legs furiously.

Ross was too shocked to do anything. He could have laughed at his best friend's predicament, caught, spluttering, between a wild peacock and a metal cage full of excited budgies that twittered and zoomed around in circles.

The peacock bit Chandler's hand and he yelped loudly before backing away down the path. The peacock threatened to follow and did so for a couple of yards. Chandler tried to catch Ross's eye, but Ross was now pretending that he didn't know Chandler, who was the focal point of a loud and embarrassing scene.

'What're you doing to the poor creature?' A zookeeper asked Chandler angrily as he raced over to calm the bird.

'He-he started it!' Chandler claimed, blood running down his palm. The zookeeper wheeled on Chandler.

'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave,' he said, not keeping the anger out of his voice. He didn't sound sorry at all.

'Gladly,' Chandler retorted. 'I was never a fan of psychotic birds anyway.'

He stalked off, clutching his bleeding right hand in his left. Ross waited a few seconds before getting up to catch up with him.

'Enjoyed the show did you?' Chandler snarled. 'You could've helped, you know.'

'Yeah, but I didn't want to become part of the carnage. That thing could've taken you out!' Ross laughed.

'Well, at least it amused someone.'

'I don't think it did much to help prove your point though,' Ross said.

'I'm not sure what point I was trying to make anyway.'

'Chandler?'

'What?'

'I… What you were saying… thanks.'

Chandler grinned. 'Anytime. Now, let's get out of here, I can see a pigeon and it looks pretty ticked off.'


	2. Not To Become Our Mothers

A/N: A part of me always knew that this chapter was coming. TOW the Peacock is the Friends fic that I am most pleased with, and I wanted to return to this sort of format because we all know Ross isn't the only one with problems. I'm pretty pleased with this end result and hopefully none of you think I ruined the original one-shot. On a timescale, this is obviously before TOW the blackout in series one. As far as I'm concerned, this is the last 'chapter' of this fic; it's more of an attached one-shot anyway. Okay, enough rambling.

Thanks so much for the reviews for the original, they were greatly appreciated. I love feedback of any kind; it all helps towards better results later on.

Disclaimer: I don't own them (and that goes for the first chapter too, as I forgot to put this on).

……

Rachel sighed and leant back against the heavily painted, black metal railings that enclosed a number of curious penguins. In fact, as she stood with her back to them, they watched her through beady eyes, tilting their heads. Young children tried desperately to catch the small, flightless birds' attention, but they remained uninterested. They were faced by excitable infants' everyday; somebody who turned her back to them was far more interesting. Perhaps she had food? They shifted on their feet and blinked, shaking out their wet feathers. Bored of watching her back, two of the penguins took a quick dive into the deep, blue tiled pool in the centre of their enclosure. The largest penguin buried its head beneath its wing as the wide-eyed, smiling children looked on in wonder as the other penguins dashed and twirled beneath the surface of the water. And Rachel remained oblivious to it all, standing beneath a large oak tree in a patch of dappled light.

She took her small, black handbag off her shoulder and began searching through it, until she found a circular compact. With this held in her hand, she closed the bag with a neat click as the two pieces of metal slid past each other. She slipped the bag back onto her shoulder and flicked open the compact.

The mirror inside was only really just big enough for her to view the reflection of one of her green eyes. Despite this, she held the mirror at arms length and tilted it to view her honey-coloured hair. She ran a hand through it, brushing it away from her forehead and eyes and pouted slightly in the mirror, then she scowled and a narrow, crows foot crease formed between her eyebrows. She closed the mirror with a snap and placed it back into her handbag, quite carelessly. She leant back against the railings once more, with one arm supporting her, the other by her side.

A few moments later she straightened up again as a dark-haired woman came over to her, delicately carrying two large whippy ice cream cones with chocolate flakes and raspberry sauce. Rachel held out a hand and took one of the ice creams which the other woman extended to her.

'Thanks Monica,' she said, taking the flake out and biting it, careful not to spill any chocolate crumbs onto her designer clothes.

'No strawberry sauce,' Monica told her. 'Only raspberry.'

'That's fine,' Rachel replied, finishing off the chocolate. Opposite her, Monica was licking the ice-cream, the chocolate wrapped in a serviette in her hand, as she always saved it until last.

'I just thought it was a bit of an ice cream moment,' Monica said, using her finger to catch a drip of ice cream that was rolling down her cone.

Rachel nodded and bit the top of her ice cream off, her lips covering her teeth to avoid sudden freezing, stinging contact with the food. 'I just felt a bit…' she trailed off.

'I noticed.'

Rachel met her best friend's eyes and smiled slightly. 'You know me too well, Mon.'

'That, and the fact that I'm a woman. And in times of need, we women eat ice cream.'

Rachel grinned, but it faded quickly as a pensive look came across her face. Monica noticed this.

'Alright, so we've got the ice cream,' she said, raising her right hand holding the ice cream up a little to illustrate her point. 'That's the first step. The next is the part where you tell me what's wrong.'

'I just can't stop wondering about Barry…'

Monica cocked an eyebrow at her friend's words. 'We've been down this road, Rach, it's not a good one. We both know that you made the right decision… Albeit, maybe it was a bit late to come to your sudden conclusion on the morning of your wedding, but…'

'I know, I know, it's just… I don't know what I'm doing here. All my life I pictured myself marrying a rich doctor and just living off his money… Maybe have a couple of kids, then some grandkids… I'd never have to worry about money at all because it would be there, ready and waiting for me to take and spend on whatever I wanted. And now, well, now I don't even have a credit card.'

Monica sighed. They were about to have a conversation similar to many that they had had before. She moved to stand beside Rachel, leaning against the railing also. The autumn sun felt warm on her concerned face.

'At least we know you were only going to marry Barry for his money,' she said lightly as a starting point. 'All of what you just said proves that.'

'You're right…But I still can't help wondering what I'm going to do with my life out here, in New York City- the real world.'

'For one, maybe you'll find a guy that you actually deeply care about and love… for more than his money and the security that comes with it.'

Rachel did not react much to this, just stared out in front of her, not really seeing the people passing before her. Monica bit down on her bottom lip.

'This is because of the baboon guy isn't it?' She questioned, referring to Rachel's attempts to get the phone number of a particularly cute zookeeper.

'Not exactly-,'

'Don't worry about him Rachel! There are plenty of other guys out there who would happily give you their number… and not just talk about monkeys and their breeding habits… Maybe we should just hook that guy up with Ross.'

Rachel laughed; a short breath of laughter. 'Yeah, at least they have something in common.'

There was a moments pause between the two once again as the joke subsided and they were left to their own thoughts, licking their ice creams like a cat laps up milk. Then, Rachel laughed again, more of a nervous giggle this time. Monica, slightly startled, looked at her as if she was mildly insane.

'What is with you?' she asked as Rachel came to a stop. Rachel, with a smile playing about her lips, looked at her friend.

'I just thought about it… and it's so weird. I mean, I have a job now!' she laughed again. 'I never imagined that I would have a job.'

'That's just your mother's influence,' Monica commented, now biting off the edge of her soggy cone.

Rachel gasped. 'That's true- scarily true. The way I'd been going I would have ended up like my mother.' She shuddered dramatically. 'At least I've been saved from one terrible fate.'

'For now anyway.'

Rachel spun around to face Monica, her eyebrows furrowed in a worried expression.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

Monica let out an exasperated breath. She had to be careful with her wording now, so as not to offend her fragile friend.

'I'm just saying, Rach, you're doing well now. But you have to keep it up. Can you promise me that some handsome, charming, rich man isn't just stood around the corner, waiting to sweep you off your feet?'

'I can promise you one thing, and that's that he isn't in the monkey house,' she answered shrewdly. Monica laughed.

'See, you're over that already!' she paused. 'Seriously though, Rachel, if that special guy was to turn up, just like that,' she clicked her fingers, 'money and all, are you sure that you wouldn't change back to your old ways?'

'I would try not to. No, I think I want to keep my job; or at least get a different one. You all know how I want to be involved in fashion.'

'And you'd be great at it,' Monica complimented. 'Me and you have been friends since we were little kids and here we are, together again, out living our own lives. I can go after my dreams and you can dream up your own, but you know we have to stick together.'

'There's no better way.'

'Right. So I keep working to become a chef at my own restaurant and you're going to try not to become your mother,' Monica summarised.

'Monica!'

'That _is _the basic outline of your life plan so far- to be the opposite of your mother, with your own job, earning your own money.'

'Sounds good, but only if you don't become your mother.'

'Please, if I was my own mother I would hate myself.'

They both grinned. Monica chewed and swallowed the last of her ice cream cone as Rachel bit off a piece of hers. A little away from them, the crowd of sticky children cheered as a zookeeper threw kippers to the penguins who dived and scrambled for them. The two friends turned to watch.

'There you are!' a familiar voice came from behind them. The two turned around as Ross and Chandler approached, Chandler clutching the wrist of his bleeding hand.

'Chandler!' Monica cried. 'What happened to your hand?'

'Possessed evil bird,' he answered, as they drew up to Monica and Rachel. Monica looked at Ross for a straight answer.

'He angered a peacock and it bit him,' Ross told her simply.

'It really helped me come to the realisation that all chicks hate me,' Chandler commented. Monica unwrapped her chocolate flake from the serviette and handed the scratchy tissue to him.

'Thanks, Mon,' he said, placing it over his deepest cut. The scarlet blood soaked through immediately, spreading across the white surface.

'Yeah, so now Chandler's been thrown out of the zoo,' Ross explained. 'So we're going.'

'Chandler!' Rachel and Monica said together.

'I get attacked by an evil bird and this is the only sympathy I get?' Chandler asked disbelievingly, waving his free hand.

'Yes,' Monica said bluntly.

'I just took one last look through the monkey house on our way out though. You guys are free to stay,' Ross offered.

'Nah, we've seen pretty much everything there is to see here anyway,' Rachel replied. Ross nodded his head.

'Let's go find Phoebe and Joey then,' Monica said.

'And let's do it quick, because, Ross, I swear that scary pigeon has followed me,' Chandler said, jerking his head backwards towards a large pigeon that was perched on the railings of the penguin enclosure.

'Dude, I think you're just being paranoid,' Ross told him.

'Whatever man, let's just leave before any mental scarring can settle in.'


End file.
